Just Make it to the Kitchen...

I already posted about this in my LiveJournal, but I figure a crossposting with a bit more depth wouldn't hurt. So, yesterday I got a haircut. Usually when I say "haircut," I mean what I usually get, just shorter and less flippy for a week or so. You know, a shorter version of that kind of cut for the past three or so years.

In the past few weeks, quite a few people have taken to telling me that I should get it cut short. Whether they be telling me to my face, having my hair be the subject of some sort of secret conversation, or being told to me by a drunk boy in a tea house, people have been wanting me to get my hair cut. But in one way or another, people have been telling me to do that for years and I hadn't relented to their requests then. However, this is the first time that I've wanted to do this. And that's a pretty big deal, because as long as I've had enough hair to be medium length, that's what it's been, and I hadn't ever wanted to go any shorter.

But I did in fact decide to go much shorter. Brian volunteered to go with me to the stylist he had just used when he got his shorter cut, and I have to say that I was thankful for the way she handled the process. I had no concept of what would look good on my head with how my hair behaves, so a combination of me going through a big book of hairstyles and her telling me her opinion (and sort of just taking some matters into her own hands) left me with what I have now.

Of course I've been having to get used to it. I've had hair that's blown in the wind for two decades now, and now have to put product in it to make sure that it's messy in just the right way. But I can adapt to just about anything, I'm good like that. No, it's everyone else's reactions this past day and a half that have been priceless. After all, I rarely look at my own head, they're the ones who have to connect the mental concept of me to my physical self.

In general, I've noticed that I've seemed to be getting more attention from the general campus population, which has been entertaining from the point of view of a person who people-watches all the time. On a more ironic note, I've been all but invisible to people I know. Only after approaching them and waving or saying hi do they realize that they haven't just made a new friend, but they have in fact just acted quite silly in front of an old friend. I was even incognito enough to overhear an amusing conversation from Ben about dating Anna, then having to specify that he wasn't dating Anna S. (the phrase was "No. Nooo. No. No." going from disgusted to fearful as he went on.).

And if I so choose, I can loose the Secret!Identity glasses and become completely unrecognizable. But I won't be getting rid of the glasses any time soon, because I enjoy them too much. But then again, I said the same thing about my hair, and I was suddenly fickle enough to do away with that.

As to the suddenness, I stand by the fact that this was a spontaneous decision, despite the fact that I have been planning this for a few weeks now. Up until the very day of, I was prepared to not go through with it and go back and get my hair cut like I usually do. If I haven't committed myself completely to something, then I haven't decided on it yet. Simple as that.

People have been asking me why now, as if maybe I've just gone through a traumatic event or am in the middle of trying to reinvent myself. Honestly, I'm just ready for a change. Practically: I'm in college, the weather just got warm again, and my jawline is more developed than in years past and my face is clearer so I can support a hairstyle that puts attention on my face. In more abstract terms, along with just feeling ready, I'm much more confident in myself. As a result of both this academic year and the past calendar year up to this point, I've gained infinitely more confidence in myself and various other factors that make up my total being.

I'll be the first to admit that I've used my hair to hide. There's a sort of convenience given to putting a that kind of barrier to myself, and I used that to my advantage as I've been finding myself. But I don't feel like I need to put up that shield anymore, especially since spring break when I appreciated a bit more the fact that I am wanted for what I am.

I also kind of feel like this has freed me from some sort of anti-visual/stylistic change mode that I accidentally locked myself into. Before, if I were to even part my hair differently, I was messing with the status quo and sensible dependability that everyone seems to associate with me. Don't get me wrong, I like being sensible and dependable, but I don't want to be stuck with being a static sort of dependable. From here, I don't even know what I want to do next, and I kind of like that feeling. Usually I like having a some semblance of a plan, because while the unknown is adventurous, it's also kind of uncomfortable. But this doesn't feel like that "unknown" sort of feeling, it's more along the lines of possibilities and opportunities that haven't revealed themselves yet.

In short: I have a new haircut. I like it.